Interesting food for thought, thanks for sharing!

Though, I realized why I felt in some troubles. If there is an edgy joke, for me it is enough to know that everyone is fine with that and that they know that I am not -ist. Yet, I got policed a few times. Though, I may be worse at an instinct-level theory of mind, vide Autistic Empathy (I recommend it a lot!).

For a small social group, there is a simple way to dismantle it — honesty. So many problems in the spirit of “I think that she thinks that I think” can be solved (or at least I solved, or some people solved for me). Just a few days ago my girlfriend said “when I am silent in this situation, I am fine” anticipating by anxiety over her well-being. Stating once beliefs in front of everyone involved makes it easy to make sure we make it common knowledge.

As a side note, even in the described situation, Alice puts blame on Bob (gaining some social credit chips, at the cost of Bob). A straightforward way would be “just to be clear, it’s Bob sense of humor, he isn’t sexist”. That way she would have solved the same problem of (potential) information asymmetry without doing it at Bob’s expense.

When it comes to larger communities, usually we can estimate % of views. And to some extent, their image of us (based on our public persona). I think that higher orders are not needed. Or — could you give a practical example, when it matters?